


The First Cut

by Slowprogress



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/F, Femslash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-19
Updated: 2013-03-21
Packaged: 2017-11-26 03:21:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/646014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Slowprogress/pseuds/Slowprogress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Regina is still trying to recover from her failed marriage, complicated by the fact that her son Henry lays the blame for his father's absence and the dissolution of their marriage firmly on his mother's shoulders, when Emma Swan comes back to Storybrook.  </p>
<p>Forced to face the mistakes they made years ago, both woman have to accept how the summer they spent falling in love and then falling apart impacted their lives and choices even years down the line.  Yet despite the scars they both carry from that first cut, they both realize that first love may still hold the strongest pull.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1 - Today and Yesterday

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, there is no curse or magic in this story, they mostly manage to screw everything up all on their own. Also Regina is not exactly a happy woman in this fic, but she's nowhere near the vengeful queen that she's portrayed as on the show either. 
> 
> So yes, it's AU with very little plot and lots and lots of feelings. It will jump from Regina's point of view to Emma's in between chapters as well as between past and present.

The First Cut

Chapter 1:  _Today and Yesterday_

It’s an offhand remark that gets it all started. 

Regina’s term is in its second year, but things have yet to settle down the way she had expected they would, and she still feels a little like she jumped into the deep end of the pool without bothering to learn how to swim first.

“I know this is technically a social event, but I was wondering if I could have a quick chat to you about the Deputy’s position.”

The catering company had made a monumental _stuff up_ of the menu, Tom Sutton was blatantly flirting with a waitress in front of his wife and Regina still had to make her speech thanking the now retired Elliot Spencer for his twelve years of service as Sheriff of Storybrook.

“To be honest, Graham, I couldn’t care less who you hire in the position.  You’re the Sheriff now and you’ll have to work in close quarters with the person so I’m going to trust you to make the best choice.  So if you’ll excuse me, I need to make sure Amelia Sutton doesn’t castrate her husband in public.”

She hadn’t given it another thought that night, or any of the days that passed after that, because she’d been honest when she said she trusted him enough to leave the choice up to him.  Graham had worked as Sheriff Spencer’s deputy for four years and was well liked by the people of Storybrook, his calm nature and strength of character having served him well in the community.  So Regina had concentrated on other projects, pushing hard for a revamp of the small harbor area to increase the revenue brought in by tourists every season and getting the council to sign off on the school board’s request for a new computer lab. 

A few weeks after the party though, during their monthly council meeting, the subject came up again.  Storybrook’s annual Autumn Regatta was only a few scant weeks away and most of their agenda pertained to it that day.  Regina had already skimmed most of Graham’s rapport and felt satisfied the Sheriff’s Department was prepared for the event, but she still gave her full attention when he gave the shortened version to the rest of the council.

“Emergency services have all been co-ordinated through the Sheriff’s Office, so we have Air and Sea rescue settled, and we’ll have radio control on sight at the boating club.  We’ve got a couple extra phone lines set up at the office and David’s manning that with some help from a few teachers that volunteered their time for the day.  The guys from the fire department will set up the information kiosks at the harbor and I’m hoping to drag my new Deputy with me to the one on Main Street.  So barring any natural disasters striking, we’re prepared for everything.”

Graham was to the point and Regina appreciated that.  Most of the meetings could drag on forever with very little being accomplished at the end, so having at least one department she could depend on to make a minimal fuss and just get on with things lightened her load a bit. 

“Thank you, Graham.  I’m sure things will run smoothly, but I feel better knowing that if that isn’t the case, you’ve prepared to the best of the town’s abilities.”

He gave a silent nod and Regina ended the meeting there, shuffling her notes into her leather bag as she dismissed the rest of the council.  Sydney Glass tried to corner her outside of the meeting room, prattling on about matters they’d just discussed to _death_ in the meeting, but she was saved when she spotted Graham making his way down the hallway.

“I’m sorry, Sidney, but I wanted to catch Sheriff Humbert before he left and inquire about the new deputy.”

She flashed him her most brilliant smile, all teeth and sharp eyes, and promptly left him there.  Part of what made her a good mayor was her aptitude at knowing what people want from her and giving just enough of it to keep them happy without having to capitulate on her own plans.  So she knew Sydney wouldn’t be offended that she cut him off mid-sentence and took off after the Sheriff, because the man was infatuated enough with her that all he’d remember from their encounter was the way she smiled at him.

Sometimes politics were easy like that.

She caught up to him just outside of the building making his way to his car.

“Graham, a moment if you please?”

He stopped and silently waited for her to walk up to him, wind whipping his slightly curly hair about his handsome face and Regina once again regret that they’d had to end their mutually beneficial arrangement of no strings attached sex once it became clear he’d be elected Sheriff In Elliot Spencer’s place and it would no longer be appropriate.  

She didn’t have much time for dating, much less romance, when her days were filled with work and trying to raise a son who put the blame of his parent’s divorce squarely on her shoulders, but some nights loneliness had still crept in.  Graham had been an easy fix for that, just as reticent as Regina herself about a relationship, but needing the distraction of sex on occasion.

“You’ve found someone suitable for the position then?”

Graham smiled, trimmed beard unable to hide his quiet joy.

“I did.  It’s still mostly unofficial since I only got her email a few days ago confirming it, but once she gets to town I’ll get her to sign the contract and I’ll send her file over to you.”

Regina raised an eyebrow appreciatively, pleased that Graham didn’t share the previous Sheriff’s opinion of woman in law enforcement.

“I’m happy to hear that, Graham.  I must say I didn’t expect you to hire a woman, much less one from out of town.”

It was gentle teasing, most everyone including Graham aware that for all the good the previous Sheriff did in the town, he was an old fashioned man with very narrow views.

“Well, even Elliot wouldn’t be able to deny she has the experience.  She spent a few years working narcotics in New York, so she’s rather over qualified for the job.”

Regina was impressed, but somewhat concerned.  As Mayor she had to always look at the big picture and think how it would impact the town.

“Experience aside, she’s willing to settle down here?  I mean Storybrook is a far cry from New York City, it would be a big adjustment for anyone to make. You’re sure she won’t just grow bored after a few months and leave?”

Graham shook his head, voice sure as he spoke.

“I’m sure.  She’s a local, left after high school like a lot of people did, but she had a…” He hesitated here, looking for the right words. “Well, she had a rough year and mentioned once or twice that she’d thought of coming home.  So I offered her the job and she accepted.”

Regina couldn’t really argue with that.  As a child she had thought Storybrook a sleepy, boring little town that held nothing for her, but during her divorce she found it was a safe haven.  There was something comforting about the place you grew up in, about knowing the faces you passed on the street and spotting the landmarks of your childhood that would only ever matter to you. 

“Then I look forward to meeting her.”

Graham nods and turns as if to head to his car, but she puts a quick hand on his arm to stop him.

 “You never mentioned her name, is it someone I might know?”

Graham is only a year or two younger than her and if she thinks hard, she can vaguely remember him as a gangly sophomore the year she graduated, so it stands to reason that she might remember his friend.

“I don’t think so, no, she graduated two years after I did.”  Then he frowns darkly for a second, mouth pulling down a little in distaste. “Though I guess most people might still remember her dad, Leo, he was a right old bastard.  Anyway, she’s Emma.  Emma Swan.”

To her credit, she doesn’t actually pale or feint or do any of the other childishly embarrassing things she can think of, just manages a small shrug she hopes is casual.

“Well, I’ll bring her around to your office and officially introduce you once she’s settled in.”

She doesn’t say anything else, just watches as he gives her a nod goodbye and heads to his car.  Back in her office she very nearly collapses into her leather chair, eyes sightless as she stares out of her window and tries her very best to not remember every little thing about Emma Swan that had been embedded into her memory so very long ago.

It’s a futile attempt of course, because how does one forget the moment your heart truly beat for the first time?  Or the moment it broke?  You don’t, it’s why there’s so many books and songs and endlessly sad poems written about it.

So Regina finds she’s quite helpless to do anything other than remember…

              ___________________________________________________

_Regina is home for all of two days before her mother’s insistent nagging drives her very nearly to the edge of madness and back. Katherine isn’t due back until the next week and she’s lost touch with the few friends she’d had in high school, so her Daddy’s cabin is the only place she can think of to go._

_Her time at Duke had been a blissful reprieve from the constant pressure that Cora had always placed on her, but it also meant she forgot how to cope with the woman’s full attention on her.  It was both irritating and tiring to listen to her mother plan the rest of her life for her, not bothering to ask any input from Regina herself, so out of desperation she’d simply fled._

_She was twenty two years old, had a Bachelor’s in Economics and completed a minor in Poly Sci, and all her mother expected from her was to marry Killian Jones and settle down as a society wife!  Regina found it rather ironic then that the only reason she got to escape to Duke in the first place was because it was part of her controlling mother’s plan to keep her and Killian close._

_Though if Regina was honest with herself, the reason she was running away from her mother for a few hours was mostly due to the fact that she knew she’d never oppose her.  Her mother had already won as Killian’s ring had graced her finger all throughout her senior year, the expectation always clear that after she graduated the wedding would follow quickly.  Regina had just not realized that quickly in Cora’s eyes had meant the end of summer, but when she got home she was informed that most of the wedding preparations were all but complete._

_Saturday the 24 th of August she was to be married.  _

_Her mother had very_ graciously _left the choice of dress to Regina at least.  Everything else was set in stone._

_When she finally reached the small log cabin her father had kept for the hunting season the sky had darkened and stars were making their appearance.  She parked the car, but sat looking down at her left hand for a very long time.  Her ring was beautiful, a shapely diamond settled perfectly in gold, but Regina found the sight of it rather repulsive at that moment.  Without much thought she pulled it off and stuffed it into the glove compartment._

_She was halfway up the steps before she realized two things at once: Firstly there was a light on in the cabin and secondly an old green scooter parked off to the side._

_Regina froze._

_If her knowledge of pop culture references about a girl alone in the woods were to be believed, she was about to be murdered in a rather gruesome fashion.  Instinct was sending a rather urgent message to her legs to start running to her car, but much like a character from a Wes Craven film, Regina did exactly the opposite.  Clutching the small bottle of pepper spray attached to her keychain, she headed for the door._

_The cabin was the only thing of her father’s that Cora had not touched and tarnished in some way.  Her mother had never cared enough about her father’s humble retreat to ever set foot in it and after his death had never bothered to collect any of the belongings he might have left there.  It was also the only thing her father left her that was not tied up in trusts until her twenty fifth birthdate, like somehow he knew she would need the place as a sanctuary much like he himself did.  So Regina was not about to let someone rob or ransack the place, she cherished it far too much for that._

_Made stupid by a combination of anger and adrenaline Regina used her key and flung the door open, jumping with fright as it hit the wall with a loud bang.  Though who had the biggest scare, she or the young girl clutching a towel to her chest, was impossible to say._

_“Uh…”_

_Regina wasn’t sure what exactly she was supposed to do at that point.  There was a wet, half naked girl staring at her in her father’s supposed-to-be empty cabin and the only thing she found herself doing was wander what color her eyes would be from up close, grey or green.  It’s rather absurd._

_When the girl took a step back though, Regina finally found her voice._

_“Would you mind explaining to me what you’re doing on my property that, might I add, was locked the last time I left it?”_

_She doesn’t mean to sound so much like her mother in that moment, voice derisive and cold, but her heart is still beating erratically in her chest and she falls back on what she knows._

_“Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t think anyone even used this place anymore and I needed…”_

_Regina doesn’t listen though; she’s far too distracted by the sight of a purpling bruise clearly left by fingers on the pale skin of the girl’s upper arm.  She’s not aware she’s moving until she stops in front of the blond, hand hovering uncertainly in the air inches from the abused skin._

_“Are you alright? What happened to your arm?”_

_Closer now she decides the girl’s eyes are more grey than green, she really can’t be more than three or four years younger than she is herself and that she looks ready to bolt, half naked or not._

_“That’s not any of your damn business.”_

_The towel gets hiked up a little higher over her breasts and she makes her way over to where a ratty back pack sits on the old couch.  Regina bites her tongue when she spots another circular bruise peeking out beneath the towel against the girl’s shoulder._

_“Look, I’m sorry that I came bursting in here like that, I just had a bit of a fright when I realized there was someone in here.  I was expecting an axe murderer you see, not a…”_

_She’s not sure how to describe what she found, but the girl actually cracks a smile over her shoulder and the sight of it sends a little spike of electricity trickling down Regina’s back.  It’s quite unexpected._

_“Naked squatter?”_

_The girl’s voice is mildly amused._

_It’s suddenly the most ridiculous thing to ever happen to her, so with a shake of her head Regina just bursts out laughing.  She laughs until her stomach muscles contract painfully and her eyes well up, lack of air the only reason she finally gets herself back under control.  The girl herself is chuckling, eyes bright as she watches Regina wipe her eyes._

_“You’ve got quite a laugh on you.”_

_The almost compliment doesn’t seem so strange to Regina, not when it’s by far the least bizarre thing to happen in the last five minutes._

_“Thank you…uh…what do I call you, other than my naked squatter?”_

_She gets another smile for that._

_“I’m Emma.  Emma Swan.”_

_Regina likes the name. It has a certain whimsical quality to it that doesn’t seem exactly in line with the girl herself, but she finds it pretty none the less._

_“I’m Regina Mills.  It’s been, well, not exactly nice to meet you, but definitely interesting.”_

_Then they’re back to staring at each other, but this time it’s more in the vein of companionable silence than shock and fear.  Regina tries not to let her eyes linger on the bruise that’s still bothering her, mostly because she doesn’t want to upset Emma when the girl clearly had a very good reason for breaking into the cabin, but she can’t really help herself._

_Emma lifts a hand and wraps it around the arm though, ostensibly to show a degree of modesty, and Regina knows she’s been caught._

_“Alright, how about you go get dressed in the bathroom and I’ll, I don’t know, make us some hot chocolate or something.  I think I stocked up when I was here over Christmas break a year ago.”_

_Emma blushes unexpectedly, the faint pink not unpleasant against her light skin._

_“You did.  I may have…dipped into your stash a little, but I was going to replace it.”  She gives a self-deprecating smile.  “Probably.”_

_Regina just laughs and points in the direction of the bathroom, a silent order as she turns and heads to the small kitchen.  There’s not much hot chocolate left, just enough for two cups in fact, so she takes her time filling the kettle and mixing it while she waits for Emma to finish up.  She’s just settling herself on the couch when Emma pads barefoot out of the bathroom, hair pulled back in a messy ponytail, dressed in jeans and a thin t-shirt._

_“Look, I appreciate the hot chocolate and the part where you didn’t call the cops on me, but I think I better just get going.”_

_Regina frowns at the prick of disappointment she feels despite knowing that logically that’s exactly how this was going to end._

_“You know what, you stay and I’ll leave.  I only came here to avoid my mother anyway and I can do that just as easily by going to see a movie or something.”_

_She didn’t like the idea of the girl leaving, not when the only thing Regina had to duck was a nagging mother, Emma on the other hand obviously dealing with a more difficult situation._

_“That’s stupid, Regina.  This is your place, I only, you know, break in from time to time.”_

_It’s said so sheepishly that she almost looks past how very sad that fact is, but in the end the knowledge that Emma’s had to hide out there on more than one occasion just strengthens Regina’s resolve._

_“You’re right, I’ll stay, but so will you.  I know it’s none of my business and I respect that, but you’re obviously not breaking into the place out of a deep seeded need for juvenile delinquency.”_

_Emma snorts at that._

_“It’s not juvenile delinquency if I’m eighteen, but I get your point.”_

_Regina nods and leans forward, grabbing Emma by the tips of her fingers and dragging her closer._

_“Now please sit and talk to me about_ anything _.  I’ve spent two days in the sole company of my mother and I’m desperate enough for decent conversation that I might even be inclined to offer payment for it.”_

_Emma throws herself down with a thud a little closer than Regina expected, heat bleeding into her where their thighs almost touch._

_“Hmm, last time someone offered to pay me for something I had to hit a fool in the face.”_

_Regina laughs into her hot chocolate._

_“Well, dear, I’m fond of my face exactly the way it is, so I feel the need to retract the last part of my statement.”_

_Emma smiles as she settles her feet up on the low table in front of them, cup gently held in both hands on her lap._

_“Yes, well, good call councilor.  It’d be a shame to mess something so pretty up anyway.”  Off Regina’s surprised look Emma just shrugs.  “What?  You’re not ugly is all I’m saying.  You own a mirror, don’t you?”_

_The truth is that Cora very seldom comments on anything other than Regina’s flaws as she sees them and Killian mostly compliments her ass in an attempt to rush foreplay._

_“I guess it’s just been a while since someone’s said as much, probably my father before he died.”  She doesn’t mean for it to sound as melancholy as it does._

_It’s quiet then, Regina cursing herself for taking a lighthearted comment and turning it into something awkward and heavy between them.  Then a knee gently bumps hers._

_“He wasn’t lying, you’re lovely.”  It’s said so very earnestly.  “And you’re kind, I mean I’m not dumb, I know you didn’t ask me to stay because of my dazzling conversational skills.”  She says it with an eye roll, but before Regina can argue she cuts her off.  “Thank you is what I’m trying to say, because home isn’t somewhere I can be tonight and I didn’t know where else I could have gone if here wasn’t an option.”_

_Regina swallows heavily, touched by Emma’s unprompted praise and thanks, but so very sad that someone so young and beautiful seemed to have so very little good in her life.  Cora may be difficult to live with, but Regina had never once in her life felt that her home wasn’t a safe place to be.  Emma obviously feels that way, and with good reason, but Regina realizes that Emma admitting that couldn’t have been an easy thing for her.  Pride was funny like that._

_“Does your shoulder hurt?”  Then finally Emma seems her age.  When she looks at Regina her eyes are wet, bottom lip trapped beneath teeth to stop it’s trembling as she nods once.  “Is it just your arm and your shoulder, or…or did anything else happen?”  She feels out of her depth then, her four years and degree meaning very little when trying to ask a young girl if she’s been raped._

_When Emma shakes her head, Regina drags air gratefully into her lungs, unaware that she’d been holding her breath in the first place._

_“No, Dad’s never actually hurt me until today.  I mean sure, I’ve had to scram when he threw shit and yelled before, but this was the first time he…I don’t even think he meant to do it, he just wanted to shove me out of the way and the doorknob got me in the back…”_

_Her hands are trembling like crazy, hot chocolate threatening to splash over the sides, so Regina takes it and puts it down on the table.  When she sits back, Emma is silently crying._

_“I don’t know why I’m telling you any of this, I’ve never even told my best friend about how bad it’s gotten…”  She drags her fingers over her face, blinking uncomprehendingly at their tips when they come back wet.  “God, I’m not some weak kid that can’t take care of herself, crying doesn’t_ help _anything.”_

_Regina takes her hands then, presses thumbs against the soft skin of her palms and rubs._

_“No, you’re not some sad kid, but just because you’re a certain age doesn’t mean you magically have all the answers or that you’re not allowed to be scared.  I’m scared all the time, Emma, of so many different things, but I don’t think that makes me weak or childish.  I think it just means I’m human.”  She takes a breath, realizes that Emma’s eyes are more green then grey when she cries.  “And I’m glad you told me, you needed to tell someone, and it was obviously easier than talking to your best friend, so...”_

_The dam breaks then.  Emma sobs brokenly, long held hurt and fear finally spilling out and Regina can’t really help it, she cries with her.  She tucks Emma’s head under her chin and wraps her arms around her, rocks her gently like her father had done when she was little and had bad dreams._

_“I know I should have told her, but I just…I didn’t want her be disappointed in me.”_

_Regina cries a little harder._

_“There’s not a reason in the world for her to be disappointed in you, because you didn’t do anything wrong.”  She tilts Emma’s face up to her, needing the girl to believe her.  “Him hurting you wasn’t your fault.”_

_They sit like that forever, Emma raggedly breathing against the column of her neck while Regina rubs her hands up and down the muscles of her back, until Regina simply leans back on the couch.  Emma’s body follows, arms tightening around her in silent panic, and settles down on top of her._

_“It’s alright, Emma, I’m not going to leave.”_

_She punctuates her words by laying a hand at the small of Emma’s back, the other curling gently around the nape of her neck.  She startles when Emma turns her face and presses a warm kiss against her sternum, just above Regina’s heart, voice gravely as she speaks._

_“Thank you.”_

_Minutes later Emma is asleep, breathing even and deep, but Regina lies awake for a very long time, wondering why it is that she can still feel the ghostly feel of that kiss burn against her chest._

_______________________________________________________

Almost eleven years later, sitting in her office looking out of her window, Regina lifts a hand and absently presses fingertips against her chest, somewhere just above her heart, and wonders again how she hadn’t recognized that moment for what it was.  It’s not often one falls in love with a perfect stranger after all, but Regina forgives herself the oversight, because no one gets it right the first time. 

She supposes that’s the tragedy of first love, for all the pure emotion and passion it invokes, it’s always bound to fail.

With a sigh she gets up and collects her bag, her watch telling her she has exactly fifteen minutes before she has to pick Henry up from soccer practice.  The thought of her son and the way he’s treated her with thinly veiled contempt for the last few years brings her up short though, a painfully abrupt thought coming to her. 

What kind of a person is she that the second time around, with the love of a child that should be easy and unconditional, she still manages to fail so very spectacularly?


	2. Past and Present

It’s midafternoon when Emma parks near Granny’s Diner.

Her back is twitching a little, shoulder stiff from the long ride, but she ignores it in favor of taking in the sight of her home town.  It’s not that different from what she remembers as a child, Main Street still busy on a Saturday afternoon despite the milder weather, people shopping or heading out to late lunches.  The sameness of it settles her a bit, makes her release a breath she didn’t realize she was holding in.  Leaving New York had felt a little bit like running away and until this very moment, she hadn’t been able to make that thought disappear.

The drive had given Emma a lot of time to think, to prepare for the moment that she’d be back home for the first time in over ten years.  A part of her had feared crossing the border into town, had remembered every bad thing that ever happened to her when she lived here.  The biggest part of her thought of Mary Margaret and Graham though, thought of her mother baking cupcakes for her eleventh birthday party while humming some Beatles song under her breath and slapping grubby fingers away from the icing bowl.  So when the sign for Stroybrook came into view, Emma actually sped up, because she’d had enough experience with fear to know how to deal with it at this point; head on.

The bad memories wouldn’t ever be able to overshadow the great ones she made here.  Her father’s actions could never outweigh her mother’s, her friends’ unconditional love making up for the loss of her first real love.  Time away had taught her that.  So she got off her motorcycle, removed her helmet and inhaled deeply a scent, red spruce and faintly salty, that she could only ever associate with _home_ and smiled.  For the first time in months Emma felt more like herself.  Not exactly the angry girl that drove out of town ten years ago, but also not the woman who couldn’t find much meaning to her life in the last year in New York.

Smile still in place she removed her small bag from the Triumph’s seat, settling it over her shoulder as she let her helmet dangle at her side, and made her way to the dinner’s door.  When she pushed it open she was hit with sounds and smells that pulled at her memory once again, her face splitting even wider as a rush of _belonging_ settled over her. 

“Jesus _H_ Christ sucking on a lollypop, Emma Swan, what the hell are you doing here?!”  Ruby practically howled as she plowed into her, long arms closing around her neck with such delight that Emma chocked a bit in her grip and almost toppled over. 

Maybe making Graham keep her coming home a surprise from her friends had been a mistake.  Emma didn’t think getting choked to death on her first day back was how it was supposed to go at any rate.

“Good to see you too, Ruby.  Now how about you let go so I can breathe, yeah?”  Ruby did just that, but then she also slugged her in the shoulder hard enough to probably bruise.  Emma was just glad it wasn’t her bad shoulder.  “You asshole, why didn’t I know you were coming back?!”

Emma would have answered if it wasn’t for the second body that hit her from the side, this one harder and taller, lifting her clean off her feet and swinging her around.  “Em!”  David’s voice boomed so loudly in her ear it rang, but Emma was smiling so hard she didn’t even care.

“Put me down, you big oaf.”  He didn’t of course, simply stopped the mad spinning and held her against his chest, the tips of her toes an inch off the floor.  “No way I’m putting you down.  I haven’t seen you in seven years, Emma, I’m hugging you until you pass out or my arms fall asleep.”

She laughed as she took in the smile on David’s face.  The last time she’d seen him there was still a touch of boy in him, cheeks not as lean and the skin at the corners of his eyes lacking the faint laugh lines, but he was as solid and warm as he was back then.  He was still the big, dumb quarterback that had more heart than sense and she still loved him for it.

“Aw, come on you big girl, put me down and shake my hand like a normal guy, will ya?”

He blew a cherry against her neck in answer and she kicked him in the shin, laughing when he dropped her with a soft grunt.  “It’s just good to see you, Em.”  He smiled again, all big and wide, ruffling her hair in much the same way as he had done when they were teenagers.  “And Mary Margaret is going to have a heart attack when she sees you, you know that right?”

Emma does, because if there’s one person Mary Margaret loves about as much as she does the man standing in front of her right now, it’s Emma herself.  Of all the things Emma has missed from home, Mary Margaret is the thing she’d missed the most with Graham a close second.  There was something to be said of a friendship that started before either of them could even remember, of growing up with someone and sharing most of your history with them not because you’re related to them, but because you _chose_ them to be in your life. 

“Yeah, well.  Where is the old schoolmarm anyway?  I kinda want to, you know, say hi.”

Emma was quite desperate to see her best friend, the giddy high she currently had going from being back making her twitchy and impatient as she rocked back on her heels.

“Oh, I think she’s just about done with Saturday soccer practice, so she’s probably on her way already.”  Ruby snorted at David, shaking her head as she looked over at Emma.  “She’s so not.  The little monsters love her, so she ends up staying after practice and playing a match with them.  All of them against her, so they can _showcase_ their new skills she says.  More often than not she ends up at the bottom of a human pile-up consisting of nine year olds.  It’s ridiculous how she gets owned by a bunch of kids.”  The last is said with a magnificent eye roll, but the affection is still very clear.

“It’s not her fault she’s the best damn teacher that school has and the kids know it.”  The pride in David’s voice is unwavering, his voice sweet as he shrugs.  “If that means she’s twenty minutes late from soccer practice I can live with it, she’s worth the wait.”

Ruby makes gagging noises as she turns back towards the diner counter.

“Let me go get you some coffee or something before Romeo here makes me lose my lunch.  Then you’re spilling the beans on why you’re here and we didn’t know about it!”

David leads her to a booth with a warm hand against her back and eyes soft as he watches her with a small smile.  Emma can’t help but smile back, realizing that she’s smiled more in the last five minutes than she’s had any reason to in the last year, but shrugs it off as she slides into her seat.  The past doesn’t matter now, she’s working towards her future and that’s all that counts.

“It’s so good to see you, Emma, especially after…I guess I’m just trying to say it’s good that you’re here and healthy.  I’m still sorry I couldn’t come out to New York with Mary Margaret last year, because I wanted to be there for you.  Skype just doesn’t cut it in a situation like that, but if I went Graham would have had to stay, so…”

Emma kicks him again, but gently this time, her smile a little sad as she taps a finger against her helmet on the seat next to her.  “It’s fine. I know you wanted to be there and that’s all that matters to me.  I mean there wasn’t much you could have done, anyway.” 

David shrugs, fingers twisting together on the table in front of him.  “Maybe, but I would have rather sat and felt useless in the hospital with them than here on my own.”  Emma finally feels her smile drop.  “I’m sorry, David.  I never wanted you guys to have to go through that…” 

David abruptly waves whatever else she wants to say away.  “You didn’t ask to get shot.  It’s a risk of the job, I know that better than most, but it’s not something you did to us and need to apologize for.” 

Ruby shows up then carrying a tray laden with coffee and what looks to be every sugary pastry she could find.  Emma just gratefully groans when most of said pastries are dumped in front of her.  “A god among men, Ruby, that’s what you are.”

Ruby smirks and sits down next to her, bumping Emma with her hip until she’s settled and then pinning her down with a stare. 

“Now spill.”

Emma snorts into her pastry, realizing Ruby has her nicely trapped in the booth for her interrogation. 

“I’m back.”  Ruby raises a dark eyebrow and tilts her head a bit.  “You’re back?”  Emma nods while she swallows the last bite of pastry.  “Uh huh, I’m back.  You’re looking at Storybrook’s newest Deputy.”  She ignores Ruby’s squealing and goes in on pastry number two. 

David’s back to grinning like a loon, hand slapping the table so hard Emma’s coffee sloshes over the rim of her mug. 

“I knew he was being more cagey than usual about the new deputy!  Every time I asked when we’d be getting some help, other than Leroy, he’d just smile and sip his coffee and shrug.  It was driving me nuts, but I think I might just forgive him for this one.” 

Mopping up her spilt coffee Emma gave herself a moment to just take a breath.  It was almost a little overwhelming how much she had to be thankful for.  It was the feeling she lacked last year when she woke up in a hospital, alive despite having two bullet holes in her.  The feeling of realizing there were people in your life that loved you, that made having another day on earth worth it.  The truth was when she woke up in a room alone, groggy and disorientated, everything dulled down by the painkillers in her system, she still had one very clear thought;  if she had died that day, no one in that city would have gave a damn.

Sure, Emma had made friends of sorts in New York.  She worked with a good team of guys, her job probably the most important thing to her, and she was invited for beers after work and the occasional dinner, but mostly her life outside of that was very solitary.  Work came first, food and sleep fitted in between the few hours she wasn’t working a case and only sporadically would she allow someone into her bed and then only very fleetingly. 

It was a lonely way to live, something she never thought would ever bother her, but hurt and afraid she’d felt the emptiness of her life acutely. 

Now she looked up at David and his smile, felt Ruby warm against her side and knew that feeling alone wasn’t something she’d have to struggle with anymore the way she did the past year.

“So you won’t mind having me a round then?”  Emma watched as David shook his head only to suddenly stop, frowning.  “Well, no, I’m pretty sure it’s great that you’re going to be working with me, but it’s not going to make up for the fact that Mary Margaret’s going to want to spend every waking moment with you now you’re here.”

Both women just laugh at David’s sad face, his shoulders slumped as he sighs.  “It was hard enough getting her to notice me in high school with you around.” 

Emma snorts and reaches across the table, flicking David in the knuckle.

“You realize that eighty percent of our conversations were about how stupidly in love she was with you and if I thought it would be too forward of her if she jumped you in the middle of the hallway and sucked your face off?”  David smiles dumbly at that.  “I’m pretty sure she’s not going to abandon you like a lost puppy in the rain just because I’m back.”  Emma takes a sip of coffee and grimaces.  “Besides, if our Junior Year is anything to go by her nights will be all yours at least.”

Ruby snickers when David’s ears turn a little red, but Emma is still a little too traumatized by the amount of times she’d walked in on them doing whatever it was that two horny, lovesick teenagers did together, to laugh at it.

“It’s fine, I mean if I can deal with having to share her with half this town and their kids, I can probably manage it with you too.”

Emma raises an eyebrow sardonically.

“How very generous of you.”

Before David can reply, Ruby shifts up and out of the booth, finger pointing dangerously at Emma.

“Look, I need to get back to work, but when I get off tonight, we?”  She wags her finger back and forth between Emma and herself.  “We are going down to ‘The Three Pigs’ and we are celebrating with lots and lots of cocktails.”

Emma nods, watching her leave, but then the door opening catches her eye and she sees a flash of dark hair that has her lifting half out of her seat, but a second later she falls back again.  Whatever David says is lost on her as she blinks slowly.    

It’s not Mary Margaret that walks into the diner. 

No, the woman that walks in has her hand on the shoulder of a rather grim looking boy still dressed in soccer shorts and a sweatshirt, mouth tight as she obviously tries to steer him towards the counter.

“I don’t see why I should get in trouble, Josh pushed me first.”  The little boy sounds petulant, small fists balled at his sides and Emma watches as the woman sighs, eyes briefly closing before she opens them again and runs a hand through his short hair.

When the boy pulls back, she flinches.

“Henry, it’s not about who pushed who first, it’s about the fact that instead of using your words to work things out, you just pushed him back.  You know better, I’ve _taught_ you better than that; physically hurting someone just because it’s easier than talking to them when you’re angry is never acceptable.”  

The boy, Henry, looks up at his mother and pouts.  “Dad said that if I don’t stand up for myself, people will walk all over me.  Josh _started it_ , I was just standing up for myself and if Dad was here, he’d understand.” 

He storms off towards the door leading to the bathrooms and Emma watches as slender fingers run shakily through dark hair, watches as the woman takes a deep breath and finally takes in her surroundings.  Waits for eyes that she remembers are dark and warm to settle on her for the first time in ten years. 

When it happens, she’s only half surprised by the strong tug of emotion she feels low in her belly.  The slow burning anger that she’d felt for such a long time is at least expected, but the immediate sensation of _wanting_ that follows isn’t.

As she feels herself visibly shiver once in reaction, she takes a small measure of pleasure in the fact that Regina turns a shade of pale that someone with her complexion really shouldn’t be able to.  

    ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

_Emma doesn’t cry in the shower._

_She mostly just stands under the rapidly cooling spray and tries to concentrate on every breath she takes.  It’s easier than letting her mind wander to other things, things more complicated and dangerous than she can handle right now.  She doesn’t want to think about the fact that this is the third night she’s staying at the cabin with Regina’s permission, or why she’s staying there in the first place or about the massive fight she’d just had with the girl she’s barely known for two days._

_Or more accurately, why she feels so very upset about the fight in the first place._

_She doesn’t know Regina, shouldn’t care that her flat out refusal to go to the sheriff about what her father did upset Regina so much she practically vibrated with emotion, but she does.  She cares, because Regina was there when Emma needed someone.  When it finally sank in what her father had done, how scared she had been, a perfect stranger opened up her arms to Emma and let her cry._

_A soft knock at the bathroom door brings her head up from the tile she’d been leaning against. “Emma, look, I’m sorry I upset you.  Will you please come out and we can talk about it?  Calmly I mean.”  Regina’s voice sounds strained and tired, adding to the list of things Emma finds she cares about even if she shouldn’t._

_Turning the water off, she steps out and reaches for her towel.  “Just give me a minute and I’ll be there.”  Regina doesn’t reply, but Emma knows she’ll be waiting for her._

_She isn’t wrong.  When she steps out of the bathroom Regina is leaning up against the small kitchen table, fingers playing with the hem of her short, green summer dress.  When she looks over to Emma the dress flutters out from between her fingers and she pushes up, walking the few steps to where Emma herself is standing._

_“I’m sorry.  This is none of my business and I had no right to try to force you to do something you clearly don’t want to, but I…”  Emma bites the side of her lip, sticks her hands into the back pockets of her jeans as she waits for her to continue._

_Finally she prompts her. “But what?”_

_Regina gives a helpless shrug.  “I don’t want him to hurt you again.”_

_It’s said so very quietly, but it resonates loudly in Emma’s head. She swallows hard, blinking back sudden tears.  “I know.  I don’t want him to hurt me either.”_

_Emma wonders how Regina manages to pull these truths from her so easily.  Emma had tried so many times to tell someone about how things with her dad were.  She really had, but every time she looked at Mary Margaret or Graham or the school guidance counselor, she simply couldn’t push the words past her lips.  So why things basically fall out of her mouth around Regina baffles her._

_“Then what do you plan to do, Emma?  What would you have_ me _do?”_

_“Why would you need to do anything, Regina?  You don’t owe me anything, this isn’t your problem.”_

_Regina gives a magnificent eye roll, her frustration clear, but who it is really aimed at Emma doesn’t know._

_“It isn’t my problem, no, but I can’t seem to just…”_

_She doesn’t finish the sentence, but Emma didn’t need her to.  “You can’t seem to walk away, even if you know you should.”  It is the one thing Emma at least understands, because she feels the same way._

_She should have left that first morning after she woke up on top of Regina and almost cracked her rib with her elbow when she sat up, forcing a god awful squeaking sound from Regina’s throat, but she didn’t.  She stayed despite the awkward way they woke up, because she liked the way Regina finally huffed out a graveled ‘Good morning’ and pushed Emma’s hair up and off her face.  She wasn’t sure_ why _she liked it, but she did and she came back that night knowing she couldn’t really do anything else._

_Regina finally nods.  “No, I can’t walk away and I don’t know why.  It’s very aggravating.”_

_Emma snorts out a laugh and makes her way to the old couch, sprawling out on it and sighing as she looks over at Regina._

_“This blows.”_

_Regina’s eyebrows come together in a deep frown, one hand back at the hem of her dress as the other slowly gestured between the two of them._

_“This blows?”  Her distaste for the word is obvious, but Emma ignores teasing her about it in favor of explaining herself better._

_“No, the thing with my dad blows.  The part where I don’t think I want to go home again even If I know he probably wouldn’t do it again blows._ Growing up _blows.”_

_Regina smiles as she finally comes and sits down beside Emma, hands folded in her lap._

_“I guess it does, but you’ll have to get used to it; you’ve got a lot of growing up left to do.”_

_Emma twists in her seat, facing Regina, and cocks an eyebrow up.  “Of course, because being so much wiser than I am you’d know what you’re talking about.”  She finds her head tilting to the side as she takes in the sight before her.  “You make yourself sound years older than me, but you really aren’t.”_

_It’s true, too.  Emma looks at Regina and she doesn’t see age and experience in her face, she only sees another girl looking back at her, albeit a very pretty one.  Though she doesn’t think pretty is the right way to put it, not when her skin glows the way it does or when the shape of her mouth is something Emma has found herself inadvertently thinking off these last two days, despite never having noticed something like that about another girl before.  No, Regina is the definition of beauty with her long dark hair and her warm eyes._

_She finds she can’t look away, not now that she’s finally really_ seeing _Regina, so she lets her eyes wander as they will.  There’s the hollow at the base of her neck where she can see Regina’s heartbeat, her hands on her lap with their slim yet strong looking fingers, the skin of her thigh peeking out from underneath her dress.  She looks at it all and feels how every breath she takes seems to be lacking in air, only the smell of something fresh and apple scented reaching her._

_She doesn’t understand the slow heat that starts at the base of her spine when she looks back up into Regina’s face, dark eyes staring back at her so intensely, but then Regina parts her lips and lets out a sound that’s somewhere between a sigh and a groan and she gets it._

_She gets it and there’s nothing she can do to stop herself, because giving the feeling creeping warmly up her spine a name also gives it power.  So despite Regina’s soft, cautioning whimper of ‘Emma’, she leans in and succumbs to her want._

_Electricity explodes like a star at the base of her skull, her gut clenching in reaction as she settles her mouth against Regina’s and_ tastes _._

_A whole world is destroyed in that moment and when Regina haltingly slants her mouth in response and presses forward towards Emma, another is born._

  ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

There are a thousand different things Emma would prefer doing right this second, but much like she sped up when she crossed the town border, she makes herself get up and walk towards Regina. 

Dark eyes trail down her body almost unthinkingly, like Regina doesn’t realize she’s taking stock of Emma now compared to Emma of ten years ago, but Emma just clenches her jaw and presses forward.  When she’s no more than three steps away, Regina reaches out towards the counter beside her and grips it. 

Emma’s not even sure what to say, or what she thought she’d achieve by facing Regina, but she doesn’t get a chance to find out, because the door opens again and this time it is Mary Margaret that walks in.

For the third time that day, Emma finds herself on the receiving end of a full body slam that morphs into a hug, someone yelling her name loudly in her ear while she’s chocked half to death.

“I’m happy to see you too, Mary Margaret.”

This time though, she doesn’t wrangle herself out of the hug, she just brings her arms around her best friend and hugs her back.  If she cries a little, it’s because Mary Margaret does it first, and if she ignores the woman standing stoically off to her right, it’s because she’s once again reminded that there are more good memories in Storybrook than bad.

So she walks them back to the table where David is smiling at his crying girlfriend and Emma slides back into the booth, managing to wipe the slight evidence of a few tears off her cheeks without anyone really noticing.

Anyone except for the woman that’s left standing alone at the counter waiting for her angry, resentful son to return as she watches _other_ people be happy, just like she’s done for most of her life already.


	3. Before and After

For all the warning she has had that Emma would soon be back in town, Regina feels horribly unprepared for it when it happens.  She had expected a planned meeting, an email from Graham or a phone call to ask her when it would be convenient for the new deputy to be brought to her office, and she had prepared herself for that.  In her office she was the Mayor, she had power and control and she would be able to face Emma Swan, face the weakness inside her that her mother always warned her about, with dignity and the professionalism she was known for.

Dignity is not grabbing hold of a filthy countertop to keep you upright.  Dignity is not feeling the blood drain from your face and pool sickeningly in your gut.  There is nothing dignified about your world coming to such an abrupt stop that you feel the air pressed from your chest as if you’ve hit some invisible wall with extreme force.

There’s definitely no dignity in the fact that the only thing you can really think about as you watch her approach is that ten years have only made her lovelier. 

As a girl she had been somewhat awkward, all long arms and legs that lacked a measure of co-ordination, not comfortable and sure in her body as some people her age already were.  Now though.  Now there is something rather graceful about the way she almost stalks toward Regina. There is pride evident in the way her jaw is set and held, chin angled up like she’s quite prepared to take the world head on and win.  Her confidence so clear that Regina would believe it too, would believe Emma if she told her she hung the moon and painted the stars in the sky simply because she felt like it.

It’s stupid and weak, her heart, it always has been and never more than when it came to Emma Swan.

As luck would have it, for once in her sorry life, Mary Margaret Blanchard flies into Emma’s arms with a cry of delight and Regina can suddenly breathe again.  She watches as they embrace, arms tight and smiles big, then move towards a booth by the window.  They all look so very happy.  Even Emma who Regina can’t help notice brushes a tear off her cheek, is smiling in a way she can’t interpret as anything other than joyful.     

“Mom, are we getting smoothies or not?”

Henry’s voice startles her, body jerking in surprise and finally forcing her to look away from the almost sickeningly happy picture that Emma and her friends make.    

“I…no…I mean yes, you can have one.  I’m just going to…coffee or something.”  It is absurd and unacceptable, the way she’s still so distracted, so very weak.

“You’re being weird.”

Regina looks down at Henry, at her son, and wonders how that was one of the nicer things he’d said to her lately.  How _weird_ now rated in her book, simply because the alternatives are dead silence or things said in outright dislike and anger.  At least he pays enough attention to notice she’s being weird.

“I’m just tired, Henry.  It was a long week.”  And it has been, a long week and a long year and a long life, and Regina is so very tired of it all.

Henry just nods, shrugging it off easily and proceeds to break her heart a little more when he smiles at Ruby Lucas, all toothy and genuine, the expression so foreign on his face when directed at Regina herself.

“Hey there, what can I getcha today, champ?”  Ruby smiles down at Henry and gives Regina a small nod, but Regina is suddenly in no mood to play nice with her constituents, not when she’s so burningly jealous of her son’s easy affection for them.

“Coffee and a strawberry smoothie to go, please.”  Ruby’s smile eases off a bit at her tone, while Henry tugs on her sleeve, the move somewhat reminiscent of when he was a toddler and wanted her attention constantly.  “Why can’t we have it here, like we always do?  I _like_ having it here.”

Unlike when he was a toddler, his voice isn’t filled with love and admiration, he merely sounds annoyed and disappointed.  Regina feels herself sigh in defeat.  Again.  For probably the hundredth time that day alone. 

“Fine, alright, we’ll have it here.”  So very, very weak she was.

She watches as Henry makes his way to the only available booth left; one that _had_ to be right across the small aisle from the one that Emma Swan currently sits in.  So there would be no mercy for her, no reprieve.  She chuckles humorlessly at that and shakes her head as she follows after Henry, trying to keep her eyes steadily on the linoleum floor under her feet.

“Hello again, Mayor Mills.”

Regina doesn’t cringe at the greeting, but she wants to so very much.  Reluctantly she looks up at Henry’s teacher and gives her a polite smile.  “Miss Blanchard.”  She tries her best to not let her eyes stray across the table towards Emma, but much like it was impossible to defy gravity, she finds herself doing it.

“Hello Regina.”  Emma’s eyes are more grey than green.  Regina swallows _hard_.  “Hello Emma.”

A small part of her had hoped that Emma would pretend they hadn’t met before, that ten years before their lives hadn’t collided so intimately, but mostly she had known this was coming.

Luckily Henry saves her from Miss Blanchard’s impending questions, because the look on the woman’s face says there is many a question she wants to suddenly ask. 

“Hi Miss Blanchard, Deputy Nolan.”  He gives each a polite head nod and Regina has to smile.  However he viewed her, she was still very proud of what a good boy he truly is.

“Hello Henry.”  The teacher gives him a bright smile and points across the table.  “I’d like you to meet my best friend, Emma Swan.  She’s going to be working with David and Graham at the Sheriff’s office.”

Henry reaches a hand out and Emma solemnly shakes it, eyes darting up at Regina and back at Henry again quickly.  “It’s very nice to meet you, Miss Swan.  Or, I guess it’s Deputy Swan?”

Emma smiles at him and Regina feels that tug of nausea again, remembering when that smile was so easily given to her.

“I guess either works, Kid.”  Henry nods happily.

 “So how do you know my mom?  I mean you’re new in town aren’t you, I haven’t seen you before.” 

Emma looks back up at her and Regina steps closer to Henry, puts her hand on his shoulder.  “Emma grew up here, just like I did.  We met, well, it was long ago.  Before you were even born.”

There is a moment of quiet, Emma just staring at her and Regina calmly looking back, ignoring the look Mary Margaret Blanchard is giving them.  She knows Emma had never told her friends of their relationship, if one could call the weeks they spent together that, but logically she also knows that Emma’s absence that summer would have been noticed by her best friend.

“Oh.”  Henry stares at Emma for a moment, head tilted to one side and eyes squinted as if he’s thinking very hard.  “Right, that makes sense.  I recognize you from the picture now.”

There’s silence for a few seconds as Regina stands and has a rather spectacular internal panic attack.  She knows the picture Henry is talking about, she only ever had the one of Emma, but she had always been very careful about keeping it not hidden exactly, but private.  She isn’t an overly sentimental person, but there are things, tokens, that everyone has in their lives to remind them of a time or a place or a person and Regina is no different. 

It doesn’t mean that she’s comfortable discussing that with anyone else and surely not people who don’t know her as anything other than the person who runs their town.  The thought of accidently being _outed_ as it were, because she’d kept a picture from ten years ago, grips her with fear and anger.

“Your mother has a picture of Emma?”  Mary Margaret directs the question at Henry, but her eyes are on Regina.  “Uhm, yeah, I guess.”  Emma still says nothing and the tension between them is now obvious to everyone.  Henry finally senses that the adults are acting strangely, Regina guesses, because he starts to twitch a little and throws a look or two her way as if checking if he’s done something wrong.

He hasn’t, not purposefully anyway, so Regina swallows down her embarrassment and tries her very best to just ignore Mary Margaret Blanchard’s inquisitive eyes and Emma’s calculating look.

“I’d forgotten I had that.”  It’s not a complete lie.  Regina has kept it all these years, but she could not remember the last time she’d looked at it.  “I think I took it the night we watched the Perseid meteor shower.”

There is no denying that they know each other as more than simple acquaintances anymore, so Regina shares the information with a shrug.  Emma frowns at the mention of the night as she just keeps watching Regina steadily, but Mary Margaret is basically bouncing in her seat.

Regina pulls herself up straighter and gives the woman a hard stare and watches as Henry’s teacher finally realizes she’s dealing with the Mayor of Storybrook.  It’s not something she likes, the way some people feel intimidated by her, but Regina’s not above using it when it suits her.  When Mary Margaret finally drops her eyes down to the table and suddenly finds the salt shaker incredibly interesting, Regina clears her throat and guides Henry firmly towards their own booth.

“Well, I think we’ve taken up enough of your time, so enjoy the rest of your day.”  She directs it to everyone at the table and without waiting for a reply, she turns away.  When her back hits the booth she lets out a sigh, feeling inexplicably tired.

The whole exchange had been incredibly awkward.  And draining.  Regina runs a hand through her hair and ends up digging her fingers into the muscles at the base of her skull.  The muscles are tense, painful and she knows a headache is soon to follow. 

She watches Henry as he sits across from her, silent once again.  Feels as tension wins out and a dull throb starts in her temples.  She’s almost used to this quiet between them and normally she’d bear it, but her usual composure was shattered by Emma’s appearance and now she just wishes he’d talk to her.  Even if only to tell her how he wishes he was with his father instead of her.

“Did you want something for lunch as well?  I mean I was going to make you sandwiches when we got home, but you could order if you wanted to.”  He doesn’t bother to look up, just sullenly shrugs before answering.  “I guess.”

She sighs and lets it go.   

She won’t order anything, not when he’s as unenthusiastic as that, because at least at home there is wine.  Wine which she will be drinking copious amounts of if she can help it.  She doesn’t make a habit of drinking and definitely not during the day on her own, but she reasons that she’s earned a reprieve after how her day has gone. 

Her thoughts are interrupted when Ruby Lucas drops their drinks off with a nod for her and a bright smile for Henry.  The coffee is warm and burns her throat, but she simply closes her eyes and takes another sip, let’s the bitter taste of it settle in her stomach as she drifts back into thought.

She has made many mistakes in her life and whether she likes admitting it or not, letting Emma go and marrying Killian is probably the biggest one.  Not that she thinks things would have worked out much better if she’d listened to her childish heart and ran away with the girl, but things couldn’t have possibly worked out any _worse_. 

Killian despises her for the most part, her son dislikes her greatly and she is as ever alone.  The only thing she finds any joy in is Storybrook itself and her friendship with Katherine.  It isn’t much though, not when she looks at others and the lives they live in comparison. 

She sighs again and finds her eyes drifting towards Emma, towards her smile and her golden hair and her eyes that are more green than grey when the light hits them just _so_.

 What a beautiful reminder she makes of Regina’s mistakes.

-

_The heat is unbearable._

_The night air around them is cloyingly damp and Emma has shamelessly stripped her shirt off, leaving her in shorts and a sports bra. So naturally Regina is utterly incapable of looking at anything that isn’t Emma’s smooth back or rounded shoulders, despite the fact that they’re out there in the first place because she herself wanted to watch the meteor shower._

_Emma for her part doesn’t seem to notice, her eyes fixed firmly on the sky above them, her lips pressed into a slight smile that Regina can only barely see in the darkness.  It’s a beautiful little smile, so soft and genuine compared to Emma’s usual smirk, and Regina can barely breathe she’s so filled with the want of tasting that smile.  Of pressing her mouth against Emma’s and sharing the soft happiness so openly displayed there._

_She doesn’t though, settles for sighing softly to herself and biting her lip._

_Regina is in so much trouble.  For weeks she’s known it, reveled in it quite spectacularly really, but with every passing day now she feels the world closing in on her a little tighter.  It’s hard to breathe most days, her chest constantly constricted as she listens to her mother and Killian and even Katherine talk of her impending wedding day._

_The only time she seems to be able to take an easy breath is when Emma holds her, or touches her or kisses her or simply looks at her.  Everything about the girl seems to soothe Regina in some way, settles the twisting of her stomach and slackens the tension in her shoulders.  They’ve barely known each other for more than a few weeks, a single shared summer, but Emma is her world now and she’s terrified she’s going to lose that._

_“I’m going to call the wedding off.”_

_Regina doesn’t mean to say it out loud, but she’s been thinking it for days now, saying it to herself in those moments when her mother and Killian and their shared vision for her future had smothered her.  It feels right though, saying it out loud finally and to Emma._

_“Yeah?  I was kinda hoping you would, seeing as how I’m in love with you.  Like, **stupidly** in love with you.”   _

_Emma leans over and kisses her gently, just a soft press of lips that’s over in a heartbeat, but it feels right.  It feels easy, like everything else with Emma has been even when it shouldn’t have._

_Falling in love with a girl should have been hard, turning her whole world view upside down should have been hard, but it’s been the easiest thing in the world for Regina.  It’s everything else in her life that has been hard up to this point and it makes absolutely no sense, but she accepts it. Easily, because she has Emma and that makes it easy._

_“I love you too.”  It seems like nothing at all, like there should be something more she could say than those few words, but it’s all she has._

_Emma nods, eyes more green then grey as she leans closer again, and the kiss this time lingers a bit longer.  Lingers long enough that when Emma pulls away Regina is a little breathless and filled with that ever present feeling of needing more of Emma, of wanting to be even closer._

_“I know. I mean maybe it’s stupid to say, but I think I knew the minute I kissed you that first time.”_

_Regina shivers at that, feels the words slide down her back and settle low in her belly as please.  Emma had known and hadn’t pushed, hadn’t made plans and demands, just waited for Regina to decide for herself.  To choose Emma or not._

_Other than her father, no one had ever done that for Regina; given her the chance to choose what she wanted with her life._

_It exhilarates her, pushes heat and blood through her already pulsing veins and leaves her lightheaded, giddy even._

_“I’ll tell them first thing in the morning.  Get it over with so we can start, I don’t know, being together.  Making plans I guess?  Or is that presumptuous of me?  I mean I know you got into UMass, so you’ll be leaving soon and I…I want to go with you.  I want to go to Boston and make a life there, get a job and an apartment and spend whatever time we have together.  I want that, do you?”_

_Regina is breathless and rambling and Emma is smiling at her.  Then Emma is on top of her, skin damp and warm under Regina’s palms, breathing her air they’re so close._

_“You’re kind of a moron, you know that?  What part of I love you didn’t you understand, because generally that means I want you.  I want you in my life and I want to have a place in yours and we can’t do that if we’re not in the same city.  So yes, come with me to Boston, let’s be happy together.”_

_It’s probably stupid and foolish and a childish dream, but Regina thinks they can do just that.  Go to Boston and be happy, make a life together.  She doesn’t care that they’re young, or that her mother is going to kill her, or that most people don’t end up having happily-ever-after with the first person they ever fell in love with._

_She just knows that this is right, feels right, that nothing said beneath a sky streaked with speeding, burning rock could be wrong._

_-_

_The next morning her world falls apart when she opens the bathroom cabinet in search of a Band-Aid for her bleeding leg, having nicked a good portion of skin off with her razer, and the first thing she sees is a box of tampons._

_Tampons that she suddenly realizes she hadn’t needed for some time.  For a long time really.  For a long enough time for it to mean something._

_-_

The car ride home is quiet, just like it always is.  She doesn’t put the radio on to hide it, takes a perverse kind of pride in facing her painful failures head on.  She bares Henry’s silence, because she deserves it, because as much as she wishes it wasn’t really true, he has a right to blame her.  Killian may have slept with every available woman he could find during most of their marriage, but it’s because she hurt him first.  She cheated first and instead of doing the right thing, the brave thing, she married him anyway.  She married him and didn’t love him and he knew it, let it fester in him until he did what he did.

So Henry blames her and she bares it, because she doesn’t know how to fix it and make it better for all of them.

“I’m sorry, Henry.”

He startles a little at the sound of her voice, eyes wary as he flicks them over her face once before looking down and away again.

“For what?”

Regina shrugs.

“Doesn’t matter, just know that I am.”

He doesn’t say anything and she lets it go, drives in silence all the way back home.  When they get there they both go their own way, Henry to his bedroom to read and Regina to the kitchen in search of the bottle of wine she promised herself.  She takes a detour to her office before heading upstairs, grabbing her father’s battered copy of ‘Poetry of Robert Frost’.

When she gets to her room, door firmly shut behind her and high heels kicked off, she sinks down on her bed and pours herself a generous glass of wine.  Regina sips it absently as she brushes fingers gently over the book, remembers the sound of her father’s voice when he would read some of the poems to her.

With a sigh she finally lets the book fall open.  The photo is tucked between two pages, marking her father’s favorite poem for her.  Emma is so very young in it, hair glowing almost silvery against the darkness behind her and eyes narrowed as she looks towards the camera over her shoulder.

That version of Emma, young and beautiful, had loved Regina.  Loved her and trusted her and Regina misses her.  Misses that feeling.

Regina doesn’t cry, even though the desire to do so is there. Instead she reads her father’s collection of poems and remembers the Perseid meteor shower, drinks her wine and eventually falls asleep, photo of Emma tucked firmly between much loved pages once again.


End file.
